I was taking to my counsellor about something I feel I am doing at the moment which I called ‘reclaiming my power’.
*Just so you know I’m not a superhero by night and I don’t go green when I get angry, though I would frigging love that!!*
I have a personal theory that a lot of anxiety comes from feeling powerless in a situation, within yourself or in life in general. So I have been working on trying to change that. I think I feel positive about the changes but they can also be pretty hard to implement, especially if people including yourself have been used to you being a certain way. I have noticed that not a lot of people like change and can battle against it. I think when we imagine power it is surging and sometimes destructive but actually it is our driving force and we absolutely need some. When we run out of power we just shut up or shut down. (I guess this is why if people over-power us in a conversation a lot of the time we just stay quiet)
Reclaiming power from other people
For me this has been very difficult. I am one of these people that ‘tries to please’ and ‘doesn’t want to rock the boat’. I know there have been many times where I have went along with something that someone else wanted to the detriment of my own happiness. I’m not saying you should get your own way all the time btw 😀 .. just that power relationships with you and another person should be as equal as possible. *If you are into S n M ..then just ignore everything I just said! 😛 *
There are a lot of tactics people use to have power over you and it’s not always as obvious as the threat of a punch in the face. There is psychological literature written on this very topic but I think that If you feel someone is trying to take away your power, then they usually they are. I think you should trust your instincts.
Recently I organised a Birthday dinner for my Mum. I Spent ages calling family, booking the restaurant and making sure I could go in before hand to decorate. Firstly my Dad said my mum didn’t want this which I knew to be untrue and I waited till I could ask my mum and she told me it would be lovely and was exactly what she wanted. (I suppose actually that was an example of me taking power back for someone else too so I got a toofer there!!)
Then a week later my Dad called again to say my mum wanted to go to an Indian restaurant, even though he knew I had everything booked. His phone call was very abrupt “This is what is wanted. Do it.” (More or less). I spent all day feeling really stressed. I would have to call all the family and let them know, I would have to cancel with the restaurant that had been really accommodating with me regarding menu changes for our veggie guests and lots more and I would have to book a place in a restaurant that I didn’t think was suited to meeting up with people who hadn’t met up for over 10 years. (It looked pretty formal with a piano etc!)
Really it wasn’t my responsibility in the first place to book anything but I didn’t think there would be so much hassle. Again I talked to my Mum and she said she actually didn’t want to go to the Indian restaurant and was happy where we were going.
The reason I am talking about this situation is because it almost seems innocuous and like there have been wee mix ups here and there and really nothing serious is going on. Actually though one person is trying to wield all the power over the situation.
If you feel that someone is trying to take away your power you should probably ask yourself:
Do they do this a lot? Do I always or often feel this way around this person?
Basically if someone gets away with something for long enough they will just think this is the way things are always going to be for them.
I know that my Dad pretty much has always got his own way about everything. My Mum ‘doesn’t want to rock the boat’. When I asked her “Just let me know what you want, because it doesn’t matter. Things can be changed with no hassle (I just said that so she had an actual choice)” She was quiet and then stuttered a bit and sighed and said “well I want other people to be happy”. It became clear to me that she meant this is what my Dad wanted.
Start to notice when you feel someone is trying to making you feel powerless in a situation
After stressing about things all day to the point of anxiety. I think partly because I had to change things but mainly because I felt my Dad trying to take away the autonomy of other people to get what he wanted. I called him and said “Ok. If you want to change restaurants then you can call the family up, cancel with the other place and book the restaurant you want.”. I notice that when I am with people who have tried to take away my power I have literally felt drained, often bad about myself and usually harassed. I think if you don’t feel good or even neutral after a conversation or encounter with someone but feel bad it’s probably that they have taken some of your power away. I am sure there are many reasons why people might want to do this but I generally think it’s because they don’t feel they have enough power of their own.
Understand the techniques people use to take power from you
I think people are different in the ways they try to remove your power and assert theirs but this is what happened with my Dad:
Right away he started getting defensive saying “Why are you doing this?” (Much of the time when you decide to reclaim your power back a person who is used to taking your power will not know how to handle it and feel like they have been really wronged. Something some people call going into “Poor me” mode.)
First he got annoyed saying “It’s not a big deal to change it!” and I said “Well that’s fine, then you do it”
Then he transferred the blame away from himself saying “Oh one of your aunts said the other place was too expensive” I actually reminded him that a couple of the people going didn’t actually even like Indian food and that there was no parking there even though we have disabled guests.
Next was ‘poor me’ mode when he said the “Why are you doing this?”
Don’t feel bad for taking your power back because it was yours to begin with!
I think something you have to be prepared for, that not all people who are power thieves (as I shall now call them) are raging and angry and take your power by frightening you. In the past my Dad has tried to use that tactic but it is getting less useful for him these days. I have found loads of times after an exchange with someone my power levels feel really down and I feel bad about myself. If I look back over the situation I can sometimes see what has gone on but it can be difficult to know what’s going on at the time.
I am only beginning my journey to reclaim my power, a part of which was writing this blog so I’m no expert but I will let you know how I get on. I have to admit that when standing up to my Dad I did feel bad. People who are adept at manipulation understand what will upset you and are good at placing the blame with you and not them. This is part of the reason why I think a lot of people including myself get scared to challenge people like this because in the beginning it can turn out that you end up feeling crap. I think much of the time, especially if the power thieves are engrained in your life you might feel crappy or sad for a while but I’m pretty sure it will be worth it in the end.
I was thinking about this exchange with my Dad (and actually a few since and many before) and I thought to myself “I don’t want to have to be in a constant battle with my father for my power”. Sometimes there is only so much you can do. If someone is going to take away your power to the point that you find it near impossible to fight back, and if you notice that It’s probably better to try to not allow them the opportunity. If I’m honest, I don’t see my Dad that much these days because I always feel really mentally drained afterwards. Perhaps this method of taking my power back will change things and if not, then I will protect myself by not being around him.
Are you/have you been affected by any ‘Power thieves’? How do you/did you cope?
I want to write a bit more about this idea of reclaiming my personal power because I honestly think that feeling that you have a certain amount of autonomy over things can really reduce anxiety. For now though I need to do a mega quick Xmas tidy as we have aunties and pals coming over soon for xmas related madness!!
forcing myself happy 